CONNECTIONS: Replacing Criticism with Compassion
Today’s guest post comes via Emily Paschall (@EmilyAPaschall) author of Eyes On Culture: Multiplying Excellence In Your School
Throughout your career, how many times have you been frustrated with a colleague, student, or parent? Countless times, right? How many times have you cast judgment on someone? How many opportunities have you missed to be someone’s champion because your mindset was clouded with criticism rather than compassion?
If you’re like me, sadly, the answer to all three questions is: “Too many.”
Recently, a teacher came to me with concerns about a student named Jeremy. Last year, Jeremy was in foster care but was recently placed back in his mother’s custody. Since school started, we all noticed a regression in Jeremy--he was struggling academically, falling asleep in class, and he already had several absences (Insert natural tendency to cast judgment here). After several failed attempts by his teacher to contact the mom, the school social worker and I decided to make contact.
“Hi Ms. Johnson. Mrs. Paschall and I would like to come and meet with you one day this week. What is a good day and time for us to stop by? Wednesday at 10:30? Great! We’ll see you then.”
They will be here in 30 minutes. I need to make sure the house looks good. Is the kitchen clean enough? Will they care if I am still wearing my pajama pants? Oh well. I don’t have any clean pants right now. I just got home from work an hour ago. I am so tired. Does the floor look clean enough? This meeting has to go well. I don’t want my kids to be taken away again.
The social worker and I arrived at 10:30, sharp. Jeremy’s mom nervously greeted us at the door and invited us inside. Her hands were trembling, and she couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact with either of us.
“Hi Ms. Johnson! My name is Mrs. Paschall, and this is our social worker, Mrs. White. Thank you so much for allowing us to come and visit with you. We love your son so much. I’m excited to get to know you today.”
Get to know me? Why does she want to get to know me? Gosh, I feel like I am going to be sick.
We sat down with Jeremy’s mom at the kitchen table. We talked about Jeremy. We talked about her job. We talked about her favorite teacher growing up. It was obvious that Ms. Johnson was apprehensive--her lack of eye contact and constant hand movements said it all.
“Ms. Johnson, I want to thank you for letting us come by today. Anytime we have concerns about a student, we always try to meet with the parents face to face so that we can better work together to help the child. Your willingness to meet with us already tells me that you love your son. The purpose of this visit is to get to know each other better so that we can develop a plan on how to help Jeremy. How does that sound to you?”
“So...you aren’t trying to take my kid away?”
“Oh no ma’am. We are here to help you! We are working with you, not against you!”
Immediately, Mrs. Johnson’s shoulders relaxed. She looked in my direction, locked eyes with me, and softly smiled.
Slowly, the conversation led to her opening up about how she had not had any stability in her adult life, up until the last six months. Her husband died from a drug overdose. Days later, she went into labor and immediately lost custody of her newborn baby. Ms. Johnson then went to prison for a short time, and her other children were placed in foster care (Insert another natural tendency to cast judgment here).
I can’t believe I just admitted all of this to them. What was I thinking?
“Oh Ms. Johnson. I cannot imagine how difficult that was for you - losing your husband and baby just days apart, losing custody of your other children, and then going to prison. I am so sorry.”
Ms. Johnson’s eyes filled with tears.
“Ms. Johnson, did you say your baby was adopted?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Can I tell you something? My little girl is adopted.”
“Really?”
Her eyes lit up.
“Yes. I have a special place in my heart for birthmothers. Because in the midst of what was probably the darkest time of your life, your sacrifice brought so much light to someone else. My little girl’s birth mother taught me that beauty can come from darkness, if we allow it to. She will always be held in the highest honor in our home. I hope you know how special you are to your child’s adoptive family.”
Her eyes welled up with tears.
“Thank you so much. It’s been hard. Really hard.”
“I can imagine. Is there anything we can do for you? Do you need clothes for anyone in your family? What about food?”
“Nope. I don’t need food! For the first time in my life, I’ve been able to keep a steady job. And…. I’M NOT HAVING TO GET FOOD STAMPS. That may not seem like a big deal to you but....”
“Not a big deal? That is a really big deal! How wonderful!”
“And do you want to know something else? I have a 401K!”
Ms. Johnson was beaming. I was beaming. The social worker was beaming. What a beautiful moment.
“Thank you, ladies. I really appreciate y’all wanting to help my kid. I didn’t do good in school and dropped out before I graduated. I am not going to let the same thing happen to my kids.”
Right then and there, my eyes filled with tears. This mom was doing the best she could. All she needed was some support on how to be a better parent. (Don’t we all?!) The rest of our visit, she toured us around her home and opened up about her struggles with motherhood. We were able to share advice, as well as establish some goals she could work on between now and the next visit.
Since the day we visited Ms. Johnson’s house, her demeanor has been completely different. Why? Because she doesn’t feel judged. She feels supported.
For the rest of that day, this single question consumed my mind: How many previous opportunities had I missed to reach a child because I wrongly prejudged the parent?
It is difficult for us to meet the pain of others and not compare it to our own--or worse, judge them. We see the choices others make and almost instinctively compare them to our own choices. This mentality is simply wrong.
Friends, especially during these unprecedented times, let’s replace criticism with compassion.
Merchants of Hope are filled with service and selflessness. This leaves no room for judgmental thoughts. See others’ brokenness and pain and meet it with love and compassion. At the end of the day, our number one responsibility is to do what is best for kids, but let’s not give up on their parents too quickly. Engaging parents is not just a component of what it takes to be effective in our craft--it is the KEY to being able to fully educate kids. Connection is everything.
Thanks again to Emily Paschall for sharing these words of wisdom; we hope everyone heeds her advice, especially as we approach the holiday season, a time of joy for so many, but also a time fraught with challenges for many others.
Teach and Lead with Passion,
Jeff and Jimmy
DAILY INSPIRATION EDUCATOR
(Please let us know about an inspiring educator you think we should highlight in a future newsletter by completing this brief form!)
WHAT’S NEW?"
L.E.A.R.N.E.R. Finding the True, Good, and Beautiful in Education by Marita Diffenbaugh
We are so excited to announce that our most recent book is now in print! This book is for hope givers who thrive when helping others develop their full potential. Marita Diffenbaugh identifies seven essential components to consider when providing education as a service to learners, along with a remix for measuring learning success. Throughout each chapter, look for the True, Good, and Beautiful, for when all three of these are present, we can be sure that students are learning how to learn, learning how to help others, and learning how to contribute in their communities and in our world. This book was written for difference makers like you who strive to create an education service that Listens, Empowers, Analyzes, provides Resources, understands students' Needs, designs Experiences, and offers caring Relationships.
We think you will really enjoy this book; let us know! Check out more here
Great Holiday Gift for Educators (contact us for bulk discounts)
Daily Inspiration for Educators: Positive Thoughts for Every Day of the Year by Jimmy Casas.
Most of the daily thoughts contained herein are variations on the “Thoughts for the Day” Casas has shared over the past years. Others are sayings found elsewhere, some of which are hundreds of years old and others found only recently. The goal of this volume is that in some small way, these daily thoughts will provide hope, validation, and inspiration to some of the most inspiring people in the world: hard working education professionals. Serving as a professional educator is so important that we must commit to doing whatever it takes to ensure that every child achieves success each and every day we serve. It is noble work, indeed. But it is difficult work with many daily challenges and disappointments. Daily Inspiration for Educators can serve as a resource that motivates and inspires educators during times of joy as well as when things get tough--as we know they will periodically in a profession as important and challenging as ours. Check out more here!
CONNECTEDD’S TAKE FIVE
Thought for the Day: “The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant.” Max Depree
Podcasts to Ponder: Lemonade Learning Hosted by Lanie Rowell and Brianna Hodges, this podcast takes a refreshing look at learning today. More information and recent episodes here.
Videos Worth Viewing: Everyday Leadership by Drew Dudley. We have all changed someone's life -- usually without even realizing it. In this funny talk, Drew Dudley calls on all of us to celebrate leadership as the everyday act of improving each other's lives. Although it has been around awhile, it remains a favorite! Take a few minutes to watch it here.
Teaching Technique to Try: Cafe Conversations: Students practice perspective-taking by representing the point of view of an assigned personality in a small-group discussion. Check out this link from Facing History and Ourselves for a step-by-step process for using this technique.
Eyes On Culture: We believe that culture is a true difference maker in any classroom, school, district, or organization. As a result, we focus much of the work we do on creating and maintaining positive and productive cultures. Culture Focus: Assume the Best. In schools with positive cultures all staff members avoid making assumptions about each other, the students they serve, and the families of the students they serve. When they do make assumptions, rather than prejudging anyone’s actions in a negative light, they instead assume the best about the other person and seek to learn the underlying causes for any superficial behaviors.
Please share your thoughts about culture via Twitter: @ConnectEDDBooks We would love to hear from you!